The One Hundredth Post

Hurrah! This blog is officially one hundred posts old. That puts it among the things I have devoted the most time to in my life (one hour a day five days a week). I have never claimed to do any task in my life in anything other than a half-assed way and, with your blessing, I will continue to bang out a stream-of-consciousness burbling about whatever takes my fancy whenever I feel like it.
Tits Mean Hits
2013-04-18 13.53.58
If it was just me rambling about my theories and trying to promote my book this post very likely wouldn’t be happening. There are thousands of abandoned book blogs out there that their authors gave up on because they didn’t feel they were being noticed. I am similarly easily discouraged, but by accident I once put in a picture of large-breasted minotaur Jordan Carver (to illustrate a point, I think) and from then on three-quarters of the hits I’ve got from google searches have been Carver-related. So put enormous pictures of breasts on your website and, thanks to SEO and Analytics, soon you’ll be basking in the mild indifference of chronic masturbators as they scour the internet dry for pictures of enormous tits. I don’t even find Jordan Carver attractive. But you do, internet, you weird bunch. Oh, that reminds me.
Hits Are Worth Shit
Speaking of which: internet kudos, of which I possess the merest scintilla of an iota of a particle of a speck, is worth shit. Hits don’t mean validity, or popularity, or anything. As a bear of very little brain, I have a commensurate amount to say about important things like Healthcare Reform, North Korea or The Existence Of God. The internet is awash with film opinions, most cleverer than mine. Real opinions, opinions on things that matter, these are the values holding dear. I squirt out a gush of liquidy commentary and have no opinions on the big things. I have, therefore, nothing of value to say. And I have even less to sell. I started this blog as a platform to sell my kindle book (now 506,000 in the store) and since then I have sold exactly half a dozen copies. Even when I put it up here for free. This, I suppose, is because there are (as I said) thousands of similar blogs out there. I have since given up. Now I just write about whatever I feel like and hope it will lead to something like a six-figure salary.
Alternate History Is Very Contentious
If you write anything at all about alternate history, someone is going to disagree with it. A few weeks ago I made the heinous suggestion that Hitler (or someone like Hitler) was a historical inevitability. This unleashed a deluge of apoplectic, pasty nerds who made mincemeat of my argument by recourse to things I’d never heard of. Rest assured, history nerds. I will return to this theme. And this time I will have done my research.
Make A Grammatical Error And Someone Will Notice
I am (notionally) a writer. This means that I am not a good editor of my own work. In fact, I hate reading what I write, much like actors hate to see themselves on television. So my sentences are kludgy and full of keyboard slips. I have tried to prevent this but I am a weird mix of fanatical and lazy (as in “fanatically lazy”), which is why it took me a month to write my last book and three months to proofread it. And if I like the sound of a word I will use it in the next sentence, which makes my writing taxing to read, to say the least. I ask only for forbearance on your part and the acceptance that, though i may be a crappy writer, I at least know the difference between “your” and “you’re”, which is better than most. Speaking of which, has anybody else noticed lots of businesses with a misplaced apostrophe, like “Bills Hardware” or “Cafe Francai’s”? Somebody should look into that. Language is precious. Excuse me, I feel a typo coming on.
The Internet Is Weird Beyond Belief
What have we discussed so far? Mary Poppins being sexy, my crush on Eve from Wall-E, Hitler’s rise to power, how Freddy Got Fingered is the most surreal film of all time, how Twilight is a bit like a unicorn, how cool electricity pylons are and the virtues of Taoism. And that’s just my ideas. The internet is a strange and awesome place full of interesting folks and cool pictures.
Damon Lindelof Is Unstoppable
At the end of the world me and Damon will be standing atop a skyscraper with fiery meteorites raining down around us, and I will pick him up bodily and throw him into the boiling Atlantic. I dislike Damon Lindelof with a cold rage that could best be described as loathing. Damon Lindelof’s six favourite movies are Pulp Fiction, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Touch of Evil, The Godfather Part II, The Shining and Bambi. They let this guy write movies, for Christ’s sake! He turned the unstoppable trainwreck called Lost into an unstoppable, fiery trainwreck full of kittens and Ming vases. He made one of the best premises of a movie (cowboys fight aliens in the desert, cowboys win) into a turd sandwich on white bread with the crusts cut off (ugh) and single-handedly wrote the most asinine parts of Prometheus, a film that could well have become the greatest science fiction epic of the twenty-first century but didn’t because they let him into the preproduction to wipe his greasy little nose all over it. I hate him. I hate him I hate him I hate him!
And he’s still out there!
WordPress is Great
I have very few friends on Facebook (or at all, come to think of it) so I used to use my News feed for exactly that : BBC, CNN and The Onion, along with design sites like Creativebloq or CO.Create and GQ magazine. Then I upgraded to the really neat Pulse RSS thing. But WordPress has superseded all of those, because now I can read homespun news stories, commentaries and editorials from people who don’t have any agenda other than to be interesting or amusing. It’s like being part of the hugest newspaper ever. So thanks, WordPress community. For being you. Or whatever. And here’s to this blog, for ameliorating to a degree the hopelessness of unemployment. As Don Draper said in Mad Men, being creative is “the least-important most important thing in the world”. Thanks for reading.

12 responses to “The One Hundredth Post

  1. I wonder if Damon Lindelof has ever had to put pictures of boobs into his screenplays to get people to read them …

  2. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find almost all of your post’s to be precisely what I’m looking for. Would you offer guest writers to write content for you personally? I wouldn’t mind publishing a post or elaborating on some of the subjects you write regarding here. Again, awesome website!

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