Bizarrely Sexy Fictional Characters Part I

Sideshow Premium Format - Jessica Rabbit 0003
People are a strange bunch. One of the open secrets of mankind is that there is no “normality”, and nowhere is this more apparent than in human sexuality. We might kid ourselves that there exists a mean or a baseline for what gets people moist and blushing, but there isn’t. The Kinsey reports of the fifties and sixties illustrated this better than any other scientific study of the last century. Alfred Kinsey was the pioneer of statistic-based analysis of people’s sexual habits, and his results were overwhelmingly in favour of his initial hypothesis : people seem normal prima facie, but they’re not. There is no normality.
And nowhere is this more apparent than on the internet, the wild west of the digital age. Here people meet to discuss and share their paraphilias and fetishes. This is the Freezone. And it produces some truly odd examples. Let’s face it, everybody here has a *cough* secret favourite fictional character, and you might at least be peripherally aware of the Rules of the Internet and the infamous rule 34. The internet is a strange place.
Some fictional characters are established in the collective unconsciousness as being sexy. Jessica Rabbit, from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, for example. I’ve always found this one very disturbing, mainly because Jessica Rabbit looks like a Picasso painting of a Playboy pinup. If that’s the ideal of female beauty I don’t want to know. Lara Croft is another example of our collective weirdness, thought thanks to evolutions in rendering this isn’t as weird as it was when she was a face and a pair of breasts made out of polygons and straight lines. But here’s some that, if you’re an internet freak like me, you’ll know that people find jolly for reasons their creators never intended.
A note: this list is only about female characters. There will be a male-oriented follow-up when I’ve, er, broadened my horizons.
Neytiri, Avatar
You’ll probably have heard of Furries – people who dress up like anthropomorphic animals for sexual kicks, so it’ll be no surprise that James Cameron’s intellectually-lacklustre-but-somehow-billion-dollar-making-movie Avatar has a special warm place in some people’s hearts. Neytiri, princess of the blue cat people or whatever, can be interpreted as sexy by some. I mean, I can sort of see how (the long legs and all) but any character from Avatar makes me think of that old Furry picture from the early days of the internet.
The blue furry people are just a bit too furry, if you see what I mean. There is a fine line between saying, “Neytiri’s hot” to saying “cats are hot” and that’s about the time you wake up strapped to a chair for the rest of your life.
Mystique, X-Men
We’re transgressing into obvious geek territory here so I’ll be careful what i say (people who criticize X-Men are liable to disappear in the night) but presumably part of the appeal of the X-Men movies was Rebecca Romijn as the blue transformy-lady Mystique. The appeal here is pretty obvious – Rebecca Romijn is hot with seventeen H’s and quite clearly about as naked as fanboys are ever going to see her, but any inherent hotness is detracted from by the fact that she a) has eyes so yellow they look like they smoke tiny cigarettes and b) is covered in scales like a goddamn snake. Snakes are not sexy in any way. No, sorry, I don’t care what kind of weird stuff you get up to – scales are not sexy. If anything they de-sexify. The filmmakers mights as well have put fifty pounds of guy makeup on Rebecca Romijn and made her look like Patrick Stewart, because that would make more sense – Patrick Stewart is the sexiest man alive.
Cheryl Tunt, Archer
Cheryl Tunt is the most obvious freak of all the characters in Archer – sniffing glue, owning an Ocelot called Babu, getting turned on by physical and emotional violence, and choking herself – yet somehow weirdly attractive. It may be because some of us are attracted to women with seriously mental problems, but it’s more likely because she’s voiced by Judy Greer, who is all kinds of hot.
She-Hulk, various Marvel titles
I find the continued existence (thirty-three years and counting) of She-Hulk as a character utterly confusing, because she not only displays none of the traits of the actual Hulk but has no discernible personality traits whatsoever. In the Marvel universe she mainly exists to lift things (which, I guess, is fine, female empowerment and all that) but there’s not much wiggle room for story development when your character only lifts things in a onesie. This leads me to an unfortunate conclusion – for some men a glowing green overmuscled female version of Hulk Hogan represents the feminine ideal. I have no problem with poking fun at she-Hulk because as we well know opposites attract, so any geeks nursing a fetish for She-Hulk are likely to be even wimpier than me. Also, I’ll be watching the hit count after this post goes live and dividing the results by five. We’re going to get to the bottom of this.
Eve, Wall-E
Confession time. I derived an entirely different interest from Wall-E than most because I found the character Eve weirdly compelling. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as non-sexual paraphilic attraction but I’m prepared to argue that Eve is quite sexy for a non-humanoid robot. It may just be the voice (oh, that sultry voice with its sexy giggle)…in fact it can only be the voice because Eve has no obvious feminine characteristics. And she looks like a white iPhone got drunk and had sex with a love egg. And she fires laser beams out of her fingers. I’ve confused myself because now I’ve written them down these are things I like. Actually, this is too weird, because it’s like finding R2-D2 sexy. I think I’m going to take a Xanax and lie on the couch. Tomorrow I’ll look at some male characters women kind bizarrely sexy.

One response to “Bizarrely Sexy Fictional Characters Part I

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