We will keep your application on record. We have to. Don’t ask us why. It’s like that thing in the application where we ask you your sexual orientation and race in order to show we don’t discriminate. Obviously we don’t discriminate against you based on your race or gender because that would be illegal (although we did a bit). We did however discriminate against you based on one or all of the following: your age, your surname, your first name, your date of birth (we don’t hire Capricorns), your choice of words in the third question, the school you went to, your font, your email address, what time we received your application, whether the HR guy was having an Absolut-and-Bowie-knife bad day, what was being served in the cafeteria, your Facebook profile (great photos of your holiday in Crete by the way) or basically any other reason we could find to dislike you. Unfortunately due to the number of applications we received, we are unable to provide individual feedback. Actually we’re fully able because we’re an enormous company with hundreds of employees, but to do so would expose the gaping holes in our decision-making processes and lead to front-page news and a police investigation. We’d just prefer not to because then people would find out about the whole Keith’s brother/tax avoidance thing. But for now thank you again for taking the time to apply to us (we like to end on a gracious and patronising note, it makes us feel less guilty) and we wish you all the very best in your job seeking. But whatever, we don’t really give a fuck.
Dear applicant (and by applicant we mean that we have your name on file, but the HR guy has taken a sick day because he can because, right? Human Resources? How essential is that on a day-to-day basis? His assistant tried to find the name but gave up in the end because there didn’t seem to be anything on his computer except some extreme suspect photographs. We’re too scared to call him. He keeps a bottle of Absolut and a Bowie knife in his desk.)
Thank you for taking the time to apply for our whatever-the-position-was at whatever-this-company-is-called. We appreciate the fact that, being the faceless unemployable that you are, you were more than happy to jump through the innumerable hoops our recruitment agency dreamed up. We honestly didn’t think that anybody would bother. After all, the job was only fifteen thousand a year and we did everything short of getting you to saw off a foot and mail it to another country’s embassy. Our recruitment guys are pretty passive-aggressive and like the small amount of power that their job provides, so they were only too happy to get you to fill out a questionnaire, complete an assignment, attend an interview in a city a thousand miles from your home and crush a small woodland animal between your toes and turn it into a Youtube video. They also got a real kick out of dissecting your CV, having a good laugh at the font you chose and the transparent way you dressed up your meager achievements. Did you really describe your time washing cutlery in a restaurant as “hospitality”? I swear to god, during lunch one of the recruitment team actually read your CV out in a mocking falsetto voice and one of our senior executives laughed so hard whiskey came out of his nose. It’s interesting to note that you are,technically, a graduate, yet you’ve done nothing but menial jobs since you left university. Obviously you could claim that it’s “because of this economy” but we all know the truth: you picked a Mickey Mouse degree in the hope of seeming smarter than you are. I mean, you might have looked down on the people who went to college to do Hairdressing but at least, like, they have a marketable skill. What’s yours exactly – copying a Wikipedia article and rewriting it? Great choice, genius. You might as well have saved your energy and hurled a briefcase full of banknotes out of a train window for all the employability it gained you.
On this occasion I am sorry to tell you that we won’t be progressing with your application any further. Obviously we’re not that sorry or we’d have given you the job, but to write back and point this out would seem like sour grapes on your part, and you still have a sneaking feeling that if you express gratitude we might relent and give you the job. Ha ha. What you’ll probably do is cry and write a parody on your obscure blog like the shitehawk you are. We have had an excellent response to our advertising activity and feel other applicants better match our skills and experience requirements for this role. Obviously that’s a lie. Keith in Accounts has a brother who wanted a summer job and, because Keith knows all about the tax-avoidance loophole, we had to create a position for his brother. However there’s a law that states that all job postings must be open to fair competition, so even though we knew who was going to get the job we had to go through this bullshit. I’m sure you understand. Keith’s brother’s a really nice guy, if that’s any consolation. He’s only slightly less qualified than you and he’s hardly committed any murders.
The Team at Corporate Bastard PLC
Apologies for lack of funnies. I’m working through some grim feelings towards the world of work…Normal service will now resume.