10:00AM Rudely awoken from an absurd dream by the shrieking of the alarm on my phone. It used to play rock music until that no longer did the trick of waking me up, so I had to switch to the sound of a buzz saw interspersed with screaming.
10:05AM Review last night’s dreams. A week ago I had a dream that my mother wore a saucepan on her head and told jokes so funny that she had to shout them so that people could hear. A few days later I dreamt that my teeth exploded during a dinner party and I was so embarrassed that I locked myself in the bathroom. Why do people do drugs?
10:10AM Make coffee so strong and acidic that a teaspoon dissolves in it. Smoke a cigarette. Drink coffee.
10:30AM Turn on the laptop. Sit idly while waiting for it to stop creaking and complaining and start doing something.
10:32AM Reboot Laptop.
10:33AM Reboot laptop, remove battery, disassemble case, remove RAM modules, check for dust. Tap dust out of fan. Consider suing Compaq, HP and Windows.
10:50AM Reboot laptop. Stop working to watch a pigeon in the garden.
11:00AM Have been watching pigeon for ten minutes.
11:15AM Still watching pigeon.
11:20AM Pigeon eaten by neighbor’s cat.
11:30AM Check email and facebook. Consider deleting facebook account and/or killing all of my friends. Envy friends who, if not successful, are at least capable of holding a 9-to-5 job without questioning their own existence. Check Twitter feed: discover Oscars were on last night. Who knew.
12:00PM Break for lunch. All of this work has made me hungry.
12:05PM Discover green furry thing in the fridge: not sure if mouldy food or Organic produce. Open a tin of soup. Cut finger on tin lid, spill soup. Get remaining soup into a pan, burn soup, spill remaining soup while getting it into a bowl. Dip dry bread in remaining molecules of soup. Smoke a cigarette. Sob gently.
1:00PM Review rejection emails. Marvel at the fact that the phrase, “I regret to say that on this occasion you have been unsuccessful” can sound hurtful, malicious, condescending, patronising, rude, thoughtless and crass all at the same time. I have had breakups that were less painful.
2:00PM Eat chocolate. Feel guilty. Half-heartedly attempt sit-ups. Feel unfit and tragic.
2:30PM Discover beer in the fridge. Open bottle and take into the shower. Turn the heat up to 9. Sit under the spray drinking the beer, pretending it’s the warm feeling of unconditional love from some higher power. Sob.
3:00PM Wash dishes. Reflect on the fact that I can at least do this job if nothing else. Break plate. Consider the fact that the universe is a godless and cruel place.
4:00PM Smoke a cigarette. Look at the picture of lung cancer on the side of the packet.
5:00PM Realise that life is a futile, fleeting dream governed by chance, that people are cruel, and that everything is meaningless.
5:05PM Hear excellent song on the radio and forget all about life’s woes.
5:15PM While half-heartedly banging out some shit for the blog, hear tail-end of song on the radio that sounds like the best thing ever. Armed with only the melody and the last line of the lyrics, start trying to find out what the song was.
5:30PM Mis-remember melody. Now only have four words to identify the song.
6:00PM Still no closer to finding song, now forget lyrics. Now all I have is the note the song ended on. Eat dinner while thinking about the song.
7:00PM Give up search for the song. Feel stupid and tragic.
7:15PM Hear song in its entirety on another station. Find out the artist and the title. Buy it off Amazon.
7:30PM Have now played the song eleven times in a row while writing a plot structure for a new writing project.
7:45PM Sick to death of the fucking song. Never want to hear it again.
8:00PM Lose finalized plot structure when the note-taking program I uses crashes. Try to recover the draft via the app on my phone. App also crashes.
8:30PM Feeling foolish at having wasted a day, half-heartedly search for jobs on my favourite websites. Discover every job I want requires a minimum of two years experience in a similar field. I do not have two years experience of anything. Fire off a few CVs anyway in the vain hope that some employer somewhere realises that just because I haven’t done something doesn’t mean I can’t do something.
9:00PM Discover whiskey in kitchen. Smoke a cigarette. Feel unhealthy. Think about joining a gym: laugh myself sick. Do some wikipedia-based research. End up clicking the “see also” links at the end of the page. An hour later, have read topics on every subject from Octopus lures to Art Deco furniture.
10:00PM Clean out junk email. Discover two hundred unread emails from WordPress. Look at blog’s traffic. Discover that nearly every search string that leads to hits is people googling, “Jordan Carver Big Tits”. Consider applying to become Jordan Carver’s publicist. Google “Jordan Carver Big Tits”, click on the first image link and discover it leads to my blog. Feel like a failure.
10:30PM Still googling Jordan Carver for some reason.
11:00PM Start watching a movie from the middle. play my favourite game: try and work backwards to the beginning of a film you haven’t seen. Switch channels, discover news is on at the same time as Family Guy. Jump between three different channels trying to keep up with all of them. This leads to a surreal sequence where I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not. Is Bruce Willis a news story or the good guy? One minute he’s at the Oscars, the next he’s killing a guy, and then somebody in Family Guy makes a joke about Bruce Willis and I realise that my sanity, held imprisoned most of the day, is starting to collapse. Colours start whispering at me. I climb inside my own face and start shooting cannonballs at invisible space pirates.
12:00PM Turn off television in disgust. Determined this time will not be wasted, start rewriting plot outline for story at furious speed.
1:00AM Trembling, fingers red-raw and burning, stop and examine work. Discover a hitherto-unknown fault in my keyboard that m@ans @v@ry tim@ I pr@ss “@” it comes out as “@”. Go back and edit the outline until it is mistake-free. It is not, however, crap-free. I will discover this tomorrow.
2:00AM Go to bed. Try not to think about how today was exactly the same as yesterday.