2012: A Year In Film Haikus

Hello! I thought it might be interesting to do a spin on all those thousands of other film reviews you’ll read at this time of year. Of course, it’ll be me writing it, so it’ll be my self-centered, blithering review of the year’s films you’ll be reading. But because, in addition to being a self-centered, blithering idiot, I’m also lazy, so I’ll be reviewing them in haiku.


The Top Five:



Misleading promise

Of questions being answered

Infuriates nerds


The Amazing Spiderman

Spider fights lizard;

The real hero? Garfield’s hairstyle,

Emma Stone’s blonde? Cool.



Robert Pattinson

Pouts like a child; acting learned

From Kristen Stewart



The Raid: Redemption

in future? Karl Urban’s scowl

Takes no prisoners



Peter Griffin is

A teddy; makes great dick jokes

Mark Wahlberg surprises


The Avengers

Geek-gasmic fun? Sure

Joss Whedon overrated

Loved it anyway


Seven Psychopaths

Christopher Walken

Is greatest actor living

Buy the DVD




Shakey Bill redone

Ralf Fiennes is bald and kills

Everything falls apart



Bond Villain is from

Silence Of the Lambs? Explains

Covert gay subtext


The Dark Knight Rises

Ponderous climax

And theme of redemption, but

Fuck it, giant bomb!




And now, The Bottom Five:


Underworld Awakening

Spandex and guns, this

is the Underworld spirit

Stephen Rea? Really?


John Carter

Couldn’t understand

The plot of this damn movie

Fell asleep near start


Abraham Lincoln : Vampire Hunter

 Fuck your stupid film

Abraham emancipates

Using a wood axe?


Total Recall

Kate Beckinsale

Again? Her hotness cannot hide

Crappy scripts from me


The Bourne Legacy

 Bourne film with no Bourne?

Jeremy Renner is great

Cannot save this mess


See you next year, folks!


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