2012: A Year In Film Haikus

Hello! I thought it might be interesting to do a spin on all those thousands of other film reviews you’ll read at this time of year. Of course, it’ll be me writing it, so it’ll be my self-centered, blithering review of the year’s films you’ll be reading. But because, in addition to being a self-centered, blithering idiot, I’m also lazy, so I’ll be reviewing them in haiku.

 

The Top Five:

 

Prometheus

Misleading promise

Of questions being answered

Infuriates nerds

 

The Amazing Spiderman

Spider fights lizard;

The real hero? Garfield’s hairstyle,

Emma Stone’s blonde? Cool.

 

Cosmopolis

Robert Pattinson

Pouts like a child; acting learned

From Kristen Stewart

 

Dredd

The Raid: Redemption

in future? Karl Urban’s scowl

Takes no prisoners

 

Ted

Peter Griffin is

A teddy; makes great dick jokes

Mark Wahlberg surprises

 

The Avengers

Geek-gasmic fun? Sure

Joss Whedon overrated

Loved it anyway

 

Seven Psychopaths

Christopher Walken

Is greatest actor living

Buy the DVD

 

 

Coriolanus

Shakey Bill redone

Ralf Fiennes is bald and kills

Everything falls apart

 

Skyfall

Bond Villain is from

Silence Of the Lambs? Explains

Covert gay subtext

 

The Dark Knight Rises

Ponderous climax

And theme of redemption, but

Fuck it, giant bomb!

 

 

 

And now, The Bottom Five:

 

Underworld Awakening

Spandex and guns, this

is the Underworld spirit

Stephen Rea? Really?

 

John Carter

Couldn’t understand

The plot of this damn movie

Fell asleep near start

 

Abraham Lincoln : Vampire Hunter

 Fuck your stupid film

Abraham emancipates

Using a wood axe?

 

Total Recall

Kate Beckinsale

Again? Her hotness cannot hide

Crappy scripts from me

 

The Bourne Legacy

 Bourne film with no Bourne?

Jeremy Renner is great

Cannot save this mess

 

See you next year, folks!

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